I have this habit of vehemently hating games series that everyone else seems to love. Most of the time this stems from the fact that they offer gameplay that I don't find engaging and are as allergic to change and innovation as the Vatican. Prevalent amongst these games are the Grand Theft Auto series, which I have always seen as a sub-par Arcade-esque experience, not to mention the grossly insulting San Andreas version which has every Black and Hispanic under the Californian sun engaging in all manner of stereotypical gang-shootings and mother-effing possible. Of course people got more outraged by the extremely crude sex game than any of this other malarkey. Remember kids; racial stereotyping is OK, provided you don't get your cock out.
The worst of my bile, however, is reserved for the Metal Gear Solid series. It baffles me the lengths people will go to to prove how much they love the games (comparable to the madness that gripped people over Portal, culminating in an internet-wide love of; dignity handed in at the door). I'm convinced that by 2010 there's going to be a full-blown Hideo Kojima religion with large golden Foxes and people praying under cardboard boxes. It's like the guy's some kind of messiah of gaming, and before he came along every game was shit and now anything he touches turns into diamonds. Shaped like Jesus.
What's even more annoying about this is that I've yet to understand why the Metal Gear Solid series gets as much love as it does. So far I have played through half of MGS2, parts of MGS1 and a quick go on the other games. At no time was I having anything close to fun. It was torture, pure and simple, for a number of reasons. But since we have so many vehement fan-boys screaming their lungs out constantly over this gaming drivel, I feel it would be better to counter-attack against the noise by addressing certain factors that people love about the series.
TEH GAMEPLAYS IS SOOOOO GUD!!! SNEAK SNEAK SNEAK!!!!
Let' s get one thing straight; Metal Gear Solid is by no means the best stealth game ever. In fact I would say it ranks amongst some of the worst. There are a number of reasons for this, the main one being that other games have just done it much, much better. Take the fantastic Thief series. It has all the hallmarks of a stealth game; sneaking, knocking people out, evading capture etc. But it manages it infinitely better by simply the best viewpoint for stealth; first-person. I lose count of the number of times I had to fanny about with the camera controls just to see if there was someone around the corner from where I was. If only for an automatic lean function. The whole eye-in-the-sky spiel is odd because it kind of puts you in the chair of a limited-prescence God. In other words not much good for anything. Above-eye viewpoints are only to be used in RTS and Sports games. There's little you can do in terms of planning your overall route, there's no way to avoid going down the pre-set path the developers have forced upon you, and don't even get me started on the wonky senses of the guards who can switch from being deaf, dumb and blind wherein a rhinoceros couldn't get their attention, to having the eyes of a hawk, ears of a bat and self-awareness of a seventy-thousand eyed Beholder. Of course it doesn't help that the game suffers from gameplay schizophrenia. Actually that leads me nicely to the next point;
U CAN DU LOADZ OF FING, LOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!
There's a place for excessive mini-games and reaction puzzles and that's the WarioWare series. What strikes me as odd about MGS in general is that it constantly throws you a curve-ball. The actual time you spend sneaking around is minimal. Most of the time you'll be pointing microphones at people while they whaffle on, trying to detected a bomb using a scent marker, dodging around lasers using a packet of cigarettes ad nausea. To me these seem like distracting padding, as if the development team realised that they couldn't make stealth exciting for the game's run so went out of their way to make these bloody things. I wouldn't mind if they were in the least bit entertaining, or heck, sporadic enough to make them special when they do show up. Sometimes being conservative is a good thing.
SNAKE IS SUC A BADASS!!!!!!! LOLOLLMAOROLFCOPTER!!!!
Solid Snake is marginally badass, I'll give you that. But he's not that badass. He can only take about three hits and he's down. That's weak as hell. He's also the type to avoid confrontation rather than seek it out, adding to his pussification factor. He only gains bonus points because of his voice and the fact he hits on every female he finds. I can name three computer game characters who are infinitely more badass right off the top of my head; Duke Nukem, Kratos and Max Payne. There, three people who could easily kick the crap out of Snake without a second thought. And they'd do it with more style to boot.
BUT TEH STORIES IS SOOO AWESEEESOMMEENS!!!!
This is perhaps the one thing I have most contention with when it comes to the MGS series. There's this myth that somehow the stories are artistic, brilliantly written works of art. Well they're not. I wrote stories when I was at Primary School that were more engaging and deep than any of the tripe seen in MGS. Hell, I've seen Steven Seagal movies with plots better than the one's in these games. The major problem is that it doesn't know what it wants to be; gritty Bourne-esque espionage or camp, frothy nonsense. The art direction would suggest the first, while every single line of dialogue and most of the cut scenes suggest the opposite. It's a bit like the Pope giving an interview about the dangers of condom use whilst juggling. You know what he's trying to say is important but for the life of you you don't know why in the hell he keeps throwing those balls around. The plots themselves are also utter nonsense. Actually they're the worst kind of nonsense - nonsense that takes itself very seriously. I mean, severed arms holding the personality of the bad guy? Cybernetic ninjas in a world of ranged weapons? Guys in tanks talking kitschy dialogue with all the seriousness of a Shakespearean play? It's trash, pure and simple. It belongs on some godforsaken late-night movie on the Sci-Fi channel. Stuff like this is why games aren't taken seriously.
Then there's the cutscenes. I'm not a big fan of any parts of a game that aren't interactive in some way. At least in Half Life you could mess around with the crowbar whilst people nattered on at you. The sense of immersion never went away. In this sense cutscenes for me need to be interesting, engaging and snappy. MGS's are none of these. They drag on forever, with every single line of dialog having close to a five second pause after it. Try counting the beats yourself, it's painful. Also there's no need for any gratuitous slow-motion shots unless it's showing something really awesome, like someone's head exploding. Even worse is the Codec conversations that are just painful to have to listen to. I don't know how anyone can sit whilst the characters babble to each other for fifteen plus minutes at a time about the same frothy nonsense I mentioned above with naught to do but wiggling their portraits about with the analog sticks. It's like Chinese water torture. Or Japanese game torture.
UR RUBBASH, MGS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
MGS has produced approximately two good things; Metal Gear Awesome and Metal Gear Awesome 2 . What's telling is that both of these fine, hilarious movies highlights why the series annoys me; utter nonsense taken way too seriously. Everything that happens in the movies is not exaggerated at all beyond the dialog.
I will stand by my convictions until the end; MGS1/2/3 are bad games, pure and simple. Other games play better, have better stories, are no where near as frustrating and are a lot more engaging. Of course my hatred of this series only adds onto the pile of things that only I seem to have a distaste for. Then again I'm aware of the fact that 50% of people have below-average intelligence. That would correlate nicely with the size of the voices that raise these games to the high heavens. So therefore I conclude that if you like MGS you must be an idiot. And you can't argue with logic mixed with statistics.
Showing posts with label PS2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PS2. Show all posts
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Ten Reasons Why Final Fantasy 12 Is A Bad Game
When the latest installment for the long-running JRPG series Final Fantasy came out in the PAL regions, to say my excitement was at fever pitch would be a gross understatement of just how fever-pitched I was. I had been hearing all kinds of good things from across the pond; That it was a revelation of a game, that there was a huge world to explore. Even the illustrious Famitsu magazine had given it a perfect score. Purchasing the game on the day it came out, I proceeded to play through a large majority of the main story in less than a week.
During this time something strange happened. At the beginning the world was shiny and wonderful. The opening FMV and action sequences were both enthralling and engaging. But then doubts started coming up in my mind; Aren't I just standing watching my characters doing all the work? Why exactly is Penelo in my party? Is the Empire really that bad? Ah shit, I don't think I was meant to go that way.
It took some time for me to come to terms with the fact that I hated FF12. It was like some allergic reaction, like going into a restaurant to eat your favourite meal only to start bloating up just after the starter. Previously I had adored almost every installment of the game. Yes, even Final Fantasy 8, the emo-fest of tedious gameplay (I may or may not have cried during the space scenes, no one can confirm anything dammit!) . The number of hours I had wasted on the franchise was immense. I had played almost every version of every title I could get my grubby little mitts on. So imagine my surprise when I had clocked over a hundred hours into FF12 only to put down the controller and never return to it.
Looking back I have a better perspective of just why FF12 is so terrible, because it's glaring flaws only become apparent once you're on the other side. Near the beginning it doesn't seem so bad. Heck, it's downright brilliant. But then the initial rush passes and the problems start. So, for those of you who may not know, here are the ten reasons why FF12 is bad;
10 - Gambits
Surely you can't knock the gambit system given it's context? I mean, who'd want to mess about with all of those different spells and whatnot? Well me for a start. Sure the ATB/CTB/Turn-based shenanigans of the past sometimes became a bore, but at least you always had control over your characters. When you finally took down an end boss it was your thumb, and vicariously an oversized sword presumably, that dealt the killing blow. With FF12 there is no satisfaction. You are but a general surveying your troops, occasionally manually selecting items to use should the need arise. It says it all when players can leave the game for days on end to power-level without so much as a cursory glance at the action. To me such a system dehumanizes the characters and makes them walking tanks. Why not turn it off then? Because the game is blatantly designed so that Gambits are necessary to proceed. It's either sit back and enjoy the snore, or flounder as you're taken out by waves of enemies. Either way it's torture
9 - Uber-bosses
If you ever want to experience what it would be like go insane, I suggest you try taking out the various optional bosses. I'm a fan of a challenge don't get me wrong, but not if the challenge involves a bunch of cheating little shits that can wipe a party in moments due to a bad roll of the random number generator. No boss should ever take more than an hour to kill tops. Some of FF12's optional bosses can go on for days. Days! That's not an achievement, it's a homework assignment. Plus none of them have the same spectacular bombast of say Omega Weapon or Penance, or even the same significance.
8 - Penelo
Seriously, what the hell was she doing there? I think she was following Vaan around like a puppy, and everyone just kind of forgot she was there. I swear, the characters in FF1 had more personality than her, even more motivation (they had orbs to lug around, whereas Penelo...what is she doing there?). It doesn't help that she has about ten lines in the whole game and the personality of a carrot. O, and while we're on the subject, her outfit is ridiculous. It looks like the sort of thing they'd give pregnant women just in case their waters broke. Bonus points to anyone who can name me a more pointless PC in the history of gaming.
7 - The Rest Of The Party
Penelo is somewhat forgivable since it's obvious she was a placeholder character created when the development team realised they needed to pad out the main party. But everyone else has little excuse for their dreary, monotonous personalities. Vaan is almost as superfluous as Penelo and just as exciting to watch (that's to say not very), Ashe wears an even more ridiculous outfit and doesn't seem fit to rule an ant farm let alone an entire kingdom, Basche walks around all moody and looses his mildly interesting plot device way too early(he killed the king - actually, no he didn't, fair enough). The only two main characters worth a dime are Balthier and Fran. Balthier because he's got the most interesting back story which is criminally put to one side and rarely developed for most of the game, and Fran because, well, she's absolutely bonkers. Her accent is all over the place, she goes mental for no reason on more than one occasion, and actually manages to out-ridicule Ashe and Penelo in the outfit stakes by wearing high-heels and bondage straps. Not that any of this matters because the main characters rarely speak to each other. It wouldn't be a stretch to say some of them might not even remember each other's names by the end of the game. There's zero development, no interesting scenes and very little reason to bother playing through the whole game just to see their totally predictable endings.
6 - "Dead"-ends
Note to the makes of FF12 - If you put a cave in the middle of a low-level area leading to a high-level area, have some kind of sign that informs as such. It is not fun to spend three hours crossing a desert only to accidentally wipe without saving because you wandered into a side-area thinking it was the way you were meant to go.
5 - Espers
This should have worked. It worked in FF10. It works in FF11. So why the hell are Espers such a bag of shite in FF12? I can think of only one battle that I used an Esper, and that was the one directly after achieving my first one. I watched as the pathetic excuse of a summoned monster had it's life chipped away faster than you can say "underpowered" before I was deposited back into the battle and just had my notably stronger main characters clear up the mess. It's laughable when you have to spend twenty+ hours trying to get an Esper only for it to be as useful as a wet tissue in battle. At least the Magnus Sisters had Passado.
4 - Go Fetch!
Let me condense the plot of FF12 down into a simple formula;
1 - Send player to arbitrary location
2 - Make player get arbitrary item
3 - Have bad guys come in and either capture team or disrupt team
4 - Repeat from 1
Of course this is simplified; I haven't even mentioned the miles and miles of pointless locations you'll have to suffer through to get between points 1 and 2. Or indeed the dreary, frustrating dungeons that bridge the gap between points 2 and 3. Or the snooze-worthy cutscenes between points 3 and 4. Speaking of which;
3 - The Worst Script In Final Fantasy History (And That Includes FF1)
I don't know at what point I stopped caring about the storyline in FF12. Maybe it was when the promised balls-out war never developed. Perhaps it was when I was sent on a third "Go Fetch!" quest. Or indeed maybe the whole thing's just rubbish. Sure there are some interesting ideas, such as the brother of the main bad guy (who truth be told isn't at all memorable or indeed bad) helping you for short periods, or different towns turning coat on you. But never do you get a sense of dread or indeed meaningful plot progression. It doesn't help that your main party are a bunch of unlikeable cardboard cut-outs, or that the motivations behind the game's main arc are so arbitrary to the proceedings and ultimately flawed and boring. Don't be surprised if you come back from a long break only to completely forget what has happened or indeed what you're supposed to be doing.
2 - The Worst Enemies In Final Fantasy History (And That Includes Necron)
It says it all when you care more about the bad guys than your own troops. The only time I found myself paying attention to what was being said was when the Judges were on screen, because you could tell almost immediately they were much more bad-ass. But the rest of the Empire is just a joke. You never see any kind of imperialistic oppression or dogmatic disregard of human rights that may make you mad enough to give a shit. In FF7 we had the destitute citizens of lower Midgard who Shinra were more than happy to murder for the sake of meeting their own ends. In FF6 there was the other (better) Empire that meticulously laid their plans and even stabbed you in the back in a bid for ultimate power. In FF12 we have...people living in relative comfort, and soldiers who are more likely to have a casual chat with you about the weather than hunt you down mercilessly. Seriously, how can a fugitive princess waltz around the capital of the Empire without so much as a cursory glance? Only the occasional capture breaks the monotony (yes, your characters are dipshit enough to get caught more than once), but even that isn't enough to give you a real sense that you're a rebel group fighting an oppressive regime.
1 - The Drops/Enemy System
I saved the worst until last. The one thing that made FF12 an almost unbearable experience akin to having your nipples twisted off. That thing is the drops and enemy spawn system. There's a few reasons why it's terrible. Firstly the design team admitted that they made the drop system so confusing that people would be forced to look for help. Let me just re-iterate that for you; THEY. DESIGNED. IT. TO. BE. UNFATHOMABLE. This to me is like taking a big steamy piss on your fans. Then a massive dump. Then perhaps spitting on them for good measure. It smacks of a blatant attempt to get players to buy a strategy guide out of necessity. Hey guys, one URL: www.gamefaqs.com, now kiss my ass. Secondly the (purposefully) confusing nature and sheer magnitude of the odds you're working against in order to get the most powerful weapons make any attempt to gain the ultimate weapons an up-hill struggle of Biblical proportions. This isn't even mentioning the fact that the system that allows the rarest enemies to spawn is in the same league as the item drops in terms of complexity. So what you have are two incomprehensible systems that you have to understand fully to get everything in the game. If you're as insane as I am and actually go ahead with this then congratulations; enjoy using your hard-earned weapons on the waste-of-time side-bosses that also require prior research to defeat. Meanwhile the guys at Square Enix will be laughing at you whilst swimming around in piles of money. Once they've finished pissing, shitting and spitting on you from a great height obviously.
So there you have it. If you do intend to get FF12 this is my advice - don't. Go spend your money on something more worthwhile, like the vastly superior Final Fantasy 10. Or just recreate the game on a shoestring budget; Make six cardboard cut-outs of the main characters, run through ten miles of forest trying to find a pink elephant that'll drop a super-rare item once every thousand times you kill it. Provided it's a Tuesday, and you kill it within two minutes using only your bare fists. Then find a television and watch BBC Parliment for about ten minutes. Repeat until you lose your mind or find something better to do. Like shaving your scrotum perhaps.
During this time something strange happened. At the beginning the world was shiny and wonderful. The opening FMV and action sequences were both enthralling and engaging. But then doubts started coming up in my mind; Aren't I just standing watching my characters doing all the work? Why exactly is Penelo in my party? Is the Empire really that bad? Ah shit, I don't think I was meant to go that way.
It took some time for me to come to terms with the fact that I hated FF12. It was like some allergic reaction, like going into a restaurant to eat your favourite meal only to start bloating up just after the starter. Previously I had adored almost every installment of the game. Yes, even Final Fantasy 8, the emo-fest of tedious gameplay (I may or may not have cried during the space scenes, no one can confirm anything dammit!) . The number of hours I had wasted on the franchise was immense. I had played almost every version of every title I could get my grubby little mitts on. So imagine my surprise when I had clocked over a hundred hours into FF12 only to put down the controller and never return to it.
Looking back I have a better perspective of just why FF12 is so terrible, because it's glaring flaws only become apparent once you're on the other side. Near the beginning it doesn't seem so bad. Heck, it's downright brilliant. But then the initial rush passes and the problems start. So, for those of you who may not know, here are the ten reasons why FF12 is bad;
10 - Gambits
Surely you can't knock the gambit system given it's context? I mean, who'd want to mess about with all of those different spells and whatnot? Well me for a start. Sure the ATB/CTB/Turn-based shenanigans of the past sometimes became a bore, but at least you always had control over your characters. When you finally took down an end boss it was your thumb, and vicariously an oversized sword presumably, that dealt the killing blow. With FF12 there is no satisfaction. You are but a general surveying your troops, occasionally manually selecting items to use should the need arise. It says it all when players can leave the game for days on end to power-level without so much as a cursory glance at the action. To me such a system dehumanizes the characters and makes them walking tanks. Why not turn it off then? Because the game is blatantly designed so that Gambits are necessary to proceed. It's either sit back and enjoy the snore, or flounder as you're taken out by waves of enemies. Either way it's torture
9 - Uber-bosses
If you ever want to experience what it would be like go insane, I suggest you try taking out the various optional bosses. I'm a fan of a challenge don't get me wrong, but not if the challenge involves a bunch of cheating little shits that can wipe a party in moments due to a bad roll of the random number generator. No boss should ever take more than an hour to kill tops. Some of FF12's optional bosses can go on for days. Days! That's not an achievement, it's a homework assignment. Plus none of them have the same spectacular bombast of say Omega Weapon or Penance, or even the same significance.
8 - Penelo
Seriously, what the hell was she doing there? I think she was following Vaan around like a puppy, and everyone just kind of forgot she was there. I swear, the characters in FF1 had more personality than her, even more motivation (they had orbs to lug around, whereas Penelo...what is she doing there?). It doesn't help that she has about ten lines in the whole game and the personality of a carrot. O, and while we're on the subject, her outfit is ridiculous. It looks like the sort of thing they'd give pregnant women just in case their waters broke. Bonus points to anyone who can name me a more pointless PC in the history of gaming.
7 - The Rest Of The Party
Penelo is somewhat forgivable since it's obvious she was a placeholder character created when the development team realised they needed to pad out the main party. But everyone else has little excuse for their dreary, monotonous personalities. Vaan is almost as superfluous as Penelo and just as exciting to watch (that's to say not very), Ashe wears an even more ridiculous outfit and doesn't seem fit to rule an ant farm let alone an entire kingdom, Basche walks around all moody and looses his mildly interesting plot device way too early(he killed the king - actually, no he didn't, fair enough). The only two main characters worth a dime are Balthier and Fran. Balthier because he's got the most interesting back story which is criminally put to one side and rarely developed for most of the game, and Fran because, well, she's absolutely bonkers. Her accent is all over the place, she goes mental for no reason on more than one occasion, and actually manages to out-ridicule Ashe and Penelo in the outfit stakes by wearing high-heels and bondage straps. Not that any of this matters because the main characters rarely speak to each other. It wouldn't be a stretch to say some of them might not even remember each other's names by the end of the game. There's zero development, no interesting scenes and very little reason to bother playing through the whole game just to see their totally predictable endings.
6 - "Dead"-ends
Note to the makes of FF12 - If you put a cave in the middle of a low-level area leading to a high-level area, have some kind of sign that informs as such. It is not fun to spend three hours crossing a desert only to accidentally wipe without saving because you wandered into a side-area thinking it was the way you were meant to go.
5 - Espers
This should have worked. It worked in FF10. It works in FF11. So why the hell are Espers such a bag of shite in FF12? I can think of only one battle that I used an Esper, and that was the one directly after achieving my first one. I watched as the pathetic excuse of a summoned monster had it's life chipped away faster than you can say "underpowered" before I was deposited back into the battle and just had my notably stronger main characters clear up the mess. It's laughable when you have to spend twenty+ hours trying to get an Esper only for it to be as useful as a wet tissue in battle. At least the Magnus Sisters had Passado.
4 - Go Fetch!
Let me condense the plot of FF12 down into a simple formula;
1 - Send player to arbitrary location
2 - Make player get arbitrary item
3 - Have bad guys come in and either capture team or disrupt team
4 - Repeat from 1
Of course this is simplified; I haven't even mentioned the miles and miles of pointless locations you'll have to suffer through to get between points 1 and 2. Or indeed the dreary, frustrating dungeons that bridge the gap between points 2 and 3. Or the snooze-worthy cutscenes between points 3 and 4. Speaking of which;
3 - The Worst Script In Final Fantasy History (And That Includes FF1)
I don't know at what point I stopped caring about the storyline in FF12. Maybe it was when the promised balls-out war never developed. Perhaps it was when I was sent on a third "Go Fetch!" quest. Or indeed maybe the whole thing's just rubbish. Sure there are some interesting ideas, such as the brother of the main bad guy (who truth be told isn't at all memorable or indeed bad) helping you for short periods, or different towns turning coat on you. But never do you get a sense of dread or indeed meaningful plot progression. It doesn't help that your main party are a bunch of unlikeable cardboard cut-outs, or that the motivations behind the game's main arc are so arbitrary to the proceedings and ultimately flawed and boring. Don't be surprised if you come back from a long break only to completely forget what has happened or indeed what you're supposed to be doing.
2 - The Worst Enemies In Final Fantasy History (And That Includes Necron)
It says it all when you care more about the bad guys than your own troops. The only time I found myself paying attention to what was being said was when the Judges were on screen, because you could tell almost immediately they were much more bad-ass. But the rest of the Empire is just a joke. You never see any kind of imperialistic oppression or dogmatic disregard of human rights that may make you mad enough to give a shit. In FF7 we had the destitute citizens of lower Midgard who Shinra were more than happy to murder for the sake of meeting their own ends. In FF6 there was the other (better) Empire that meticulously laid their plans and even stabbed you in the back in a bid for ultimate power. In FF12 we have...people living in relative comfort, and soldiers who are more likely to have a casual chat with you about the weather than hunt you down mercilessly. Seriously, how can a fugitive princess waltz around the capital of the Empire without so much as a cursory glance? Only the occasional capture breaks the monotony (yes, your characters are dipshit enough to get caught more than once), but even that isn't enough to give you a real sense that you're a rebel group fighting an oppressive regime.
1 - The Drops/Enemy System
I saved the worst until last. The one thing that made FF12 an almost unbearable experience akin to having your nipples twisted off. That thing is the drops and enemy spawn system. There's a few reasons why it's terrible. Firstly the design team admitted that they made the drop system so confusing that people would be forced to look for help. Let me just re-iterate that for you; THEY. DESIGNED. IT. TO. BE. UNFATHOMABLE. This to me is like taking a big steamy piss on your fans. Then a massive dump. Then perhaps spitting on them for good measure. It smacks of a blatant attempt to get players to buy a strategy guide out of necessity. Hey guys, one URL: www.gamefaqs.com, now kiss my ass. Secondly the (purposefully) confusing nature and sheer magnitude of the odds you're working against in order to get the most powerful weapons make any attempt to gain the ultimate weapons an up-hill struggle of Biblical proportions. This isn't even mentioning the fact that the system that allows the rarest enemies to spawn is in the same league as the item drops in terms of complexity. So what you have are two incomprehensible systems that you have to understand fully to get everything in the game. If you're as insane as I am and actually go ahead with this then congratulations; enjoy using your hard-earned weapons on the waste-of-time side-bosses that also require prior research to defeat. Meanwhile the guys at Square Enix will be laughing at you whilst swimming around in piles of money. Once they've finished pissing, shitting and spitting on you from a great height obviously.
So there you have it. If you do intend to get FF12 this is my advice - don't. Go spend your money on something more worthwhile, like the vastly superior Final Fantasy 10. Or just recreate the game on a shoestring budget; Make six cardboard cut-outs of the main characters, run through ten miles of forest trying to find a pink elephant that'll drop a super-rare item once every thousand times you kill it. Provided it's a Tuesday, and you kill it within two minutes using only your bare fists. Then find a television and watch BBC Parliment for about ten minutes. Repeat until you lose your mind or find something better to do. Like shaving your scrotum perhaps.
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